The Hanks Family

It is funny how something that can seem so small and insignificant, can really be quite a force in the lives of so many. When I was nursing Aidan (for almost two years since we kept having to start over with his weaning) I would joke about writing a book and calling it "My Life As A Dairy Cow". Probably not terribly complimentary, but I have a very good sense of the ubsurd. Anyway, this weekend I have had the opportunity to give the issue of milk a lot of thought.

Aidan is still allergic to dairy and so he still drinks only soy milk still, and loves it. That is fine. Cole turned 3 months old a week ago. His corrected age is now 7 weeks (8 this coming Wednesday). He is doing really well. He is thriving and his health seems to be good. Although the PDA in his heart still hasn't closed completely, we are hopeful that slowly but surely it is, as it seems to be. As I said, he looks so good, that we think it doesn't seem to be affecting him adversely. He was almost 10 lbs at his last appointment a couple of weeks ago, so I am sure he is now well over 10 lbs, maybe almost 11 lbs. Since our scale at home doesn't work well I can't tell for sure and I'm not going to take him for an appointment just to find out. He will go in at four months for his next well-baby checkup and we will see where he is at then.

So, Cole is now only eating breastmilk for the most part since he only technically had to have the formula feedings until he reached 10 lbs. He still isn't on the growth charts (under the 5th percentile) but this is ok. He is growing steadily for where he is at. Yes, he is 3 months old and still looks more like a newborn, but that is ok.

When Cole was in the hospital for that first month and eating only about an ounce or less per day (actually they started him out a few days after he was born and started him out on only about 4 ml per feeding through a tube). I was pumping full capacity by the end of the first week or so (about 25 oz per day or so). Since I would have to pump this milk so that he could be tube fed and so that I would have a milk supply, this time around I felt more like a dairy cow than ever... perhaps more so than a real cow. I am not sure how many times a day they are milked, but it seems like it the old days it was twice. I was pumping every three hours - 8 times every day. Cole wasn't able to actually try breastfeeding until he was about 2 weeks old, and then to start only once a day.

What to do with all that milk? Well, ridiculous amounts of milk have taken up residence in our deep freezer. As in, a large deep freezer, filled to the top on half of it, with nothing but frozen milk. My concern has been that there is no way Cole, who is home and nursing with me everyday, and does not prefer the bottle, was ever going to be able to use all this milk. After what we went through, and knowing what others are going through with their babies, the idea of throwing that milk away was absolutely out of the question if I could do anything about it. The milk banks across the country are low on donated breastmilk, and unfortunately, because I was on so much medication, and even though Cole has thrived on this same milk, they couldn't take my donation. This is an actual and absolute tragedy. The frustration of having something that is so desperately needed by so many, especially other sick sweet little preemie babies (preemie milk is different than full term milk and is the best thing a preemie can have) has been weighing heavily on me.

About a month ago I posted a note on a preemie community website to see if there was anyone out there that lived close by and could come and meet me and know that I am careful and concientious and know that this milk is safe for their baby (as it is for mine!). No answers. Lots of comments from other loving preemie mom's who have been their, both on the donating side and on the receiving side. I was called an angel by one mother. I wouldn't call it that, but I can see how I would feel if I couldn't give Cole what he needed to thrive. Anyway, this past weekend, I was finally contacted. The women were hopeful that there was still some breastmilk left for them, but didn't realize that I had so much for them.

This new friend is so grateful to me for this milk, but I am so grateful to be able to give it. I don't know if it is because, though I know I couldn't have done anything to stop what happened to us, the guilt of wondering still weighs so heavily on me. I don't think that will ever go away. It seems to be a wound that heals over, but always hurts. Being able to do something for this woman and her sweet baby is the most precious gift to me and I can't begin to express how happy I am to be able to give it to her.

Here is the real kicker, for this lovely woman being grateful to me though. Though this baby is, without a doubt, her child... she is not the biological mother. This sweet little warrior baby has fought through something that NO ONE should have to go through, let alone a tiny (literally tiny, premature) baby should ever have to go through. This sweet mother is a foster mother. They are fostering this baby and trying to adopt her. Though I had read a section about adopting a preemie baby in one of the preemie books I read after Cole was born, I had a hard time imaging how a situation like that would come about, when the reality is, it probably happens all the time. This mom is going through so much. You can tell right away that she loves that little baby girl, but really wasn't told what it meant to have a preemie. She feels like she was meant to find me, and not just another mom with some extra milk, but a preemie mom. I feel like she was meant to find me too. She says that I am now one of her baby's "milk mommies". The funny thing? I feel that way too. I am providing nourishment to that sweet baby that needs it so badly and has been through so much.

You never know how much you can handle until you are tested. This pregnancy and birth and raising a preemie has definately been a test for me. I am so grateful to have Cole and Aidan. Cole is such a fiesty little fighter, and Aidan is really the most wonderful big brother I could have ever hoped for. I am so grateful for this new relationship with this other amazing mom (who incidentally only lives 30 minutes away) and for the friendship we are building and for being able to help her take care of her baby. This woman thinks that I have knowledge to share with her, but the feeling is mutual.

Well, I did warn you at the beginning that this was a bit of a purge post about things I needed to say. If you have read to this point, then bless you too!

One more aside on the milk issue. The mommy of this little preemie baby has a small "farm" where they raise goats and chickens and make some neat products of their own. I feel it is only fitting to show you what she brought to me to say thank you. They were I think afraid that I would want compensation for the milk (when you purchase it from a milk bank when available it can cost as much as $2.50 per ounce - so think about $40 to $50 or more per day!!). I didn't even consider that as it wasn't the point. Anyway, she brought me some lovely soap that she made (which I have been able to use and is quite lovely). She didn't think it was much, but it is an absolutely beautiful gift to me. I am so proud of this gift that I wanted to show it to you all. Hopefully this summer my new friend can teach me how to make soap.

Oh, and on the subject of it being all about milk... this lovely, creamy soap is made from Goat's Milk. (Told you it was all about milk!)